E14: Forgiveness: Who is it Really For?

We've all given or received the advice of "forgive and forget," but what does the Catholic Church think about this notion? In fact, is it even truly possible?

Join us for this month's episode of Catholicism 101 where we'll talk about what forgiveness actually is, what it isn't, and how to foster sincere forgiveness in our own hearts and lives—even if the other person doesn't deserve it.

“it is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession.” CCC 2843

Resources:
How to Pray the Surrender Novena
Another Novena for Surrender
Forgiveness Novena
Redemptive Suffering: How to ‘Offer it Up’

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hi, friends. Welcome back to another episode of Catholicism 101, Forever Learning and Living the Faith. Today, as you can so clearly tell by the title of the episode, we're going to be talking about forgiveness today. And this is, I know I say this every time, but I genuinely am like sincere when I say it. I'm really excited for this one because we always hear that advice of, you know, oh, forgive and forget, forgive and forget. But I'm going to let you in on a secret that shouldn't be a secret, but that the church teaches that forgive and forget is not in our power. Um, we we do forgive, you know, we'll get into this, but to forget is not in our power. But we're gonna get all into it today. And I am so excited. But before we even get into that, and that comes from the catechism, actually, I'm not making that up. Before we even get there, we're gonna talk about what does Jesus say about forgiveness? Why do we even have to forgive? So as we all read in the Lord's Prayer, um, in Matthew chapter six, he says, as he's teaching us the Lord's Prayer, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And someone has called to my attention that this is the only petition in the Lord's Prayer that is conditional. So essentially we're saying, Lord, only be as forgiving with me as I am with other people. And that is a high, high, high responsibility, a high call. But as I firmly believe, um, and I know to be true, the Lord does not call where he does not provide. He does not call where he will not provide. So if he's asking you to be very merciful, he is going to give you the grace to be merciful. So clearly, um, with it being the only petition in our Father of the seven petitions of the Our Father, this is the only one that has a condition with it. Lord, only be forgiving with me, like as forgiving with me as I am with other people. And he reemphasizes it again in verses 14 and 15 of Matthew chapter six. He says, For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses. And if we're honest, that's kind of a hard pill to swallow. And I think it's because we don't really know fully what forgiveness is. And I'm not saying it's easy to forgive. Don't mishear me there because it is hard to forgive. But I think something that will make it a little bit easier for us to forgive and to forgive fully with our hearts and fully understand what it is we're being given the grace to do and to allow that grace to really fully work in us. We need to talk about what forgiveness really is. And in order to do that, we need to talk about for what forgiveness really isn't. Um, some of the common misconceptions surrounding forgiveness, a mythbusters, if you will. So forgiveness is not letting them off the hook or saying what the person did that hurt you, saying that what they did was okay. Um on the flip side of that, though, forgiveness is the surrender of my own right or my perception that I have the right to inflict justice upon this person who has wronged me. Forgiveness is an act of trust that the Almighty Judge, who is just, will deal with this person in his time according to his will. In his time according to his will, because he is just. And it is an act of trust, it is an act of surrender that Lord, this person really hurt me. And um, if you'll just give me the chance or like whatever, I want to either inflict the justice due this person, or I want to see the justice be inflicted upon them. And that second one actually can be even more hard to surrender. We we want to see um, we want to see justice circle back and we want to see this person receive their due, especially if they hurt us. But I find it even more so, especially if they hurt someone we love. We have like that hunger to see justice inflicted on this person, um, cue up our whole justice system. But that's neither here nor there right now. What this, what forgiveness is, is not letting them off the hook. It is not saying what they did was okay. Um and this is kind of where the saying of uh withholding forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Because forgiveness, you you acknowledge that this person has hurt you, but when you forgive, it is truly for you. It is truly for you in your own heart and your own peace, um, and opens you up to grace. Because when I acknowledge that this person has hurt me and I forgive them in continually, I say that I am no longer going to spend my time or my energy wishing justice or any will ill will upon them. So essentially what you're saying is, Lord, like I surrender my right to either inflict this justice upon this person or see this justice be inflicted upon them. They are not my problem. Jesus, you take care of it. You take care of it. And I trust you because you are a just judge and you will deal with them as you see fit. And here I actually want to talk about Matthew chapter 18 and the parable of the unforgiving servant, and what actually happens right before that is really important context for the parable of the unforgiving servant. Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? As many as seven times, Jesus said to him, I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. But honestly, even before that, in um chapter 18, verse 15, these two sections on the binding and loosen of sins and repeated forgiveness before he tells the parable of the unmerciful servant, these are really important context um stories and things to have as you approach the parable of the unmerciful servant. And I've recently learned this, so I'm really excited about it. But basically, in this section of Matthew, um, Jesus is setting up how the church is going to operate, the church that he has established, which is the Catholic Church, um, how that is going to operate. And so he is essentially going through in verses 15 to 17, what should happen if there's a disagreement between brethren in the church and they can't reconcile it on their own, and they and that it comes before the church. And he's giving the apostles authority here and says, Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. And the way that this was explained to me was that the you here, the whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven, is essentially like the the original, I think it's Greek or no, Matthew's Hebrew. It's one of the two. The original language, the original word is the you in the plural. So essentially, um, y'all. So truly I say to y'all, whatever y'all bind on earth, all of you all, the apostles, and he's giving them this authority. And then right after this is when Peter asks him, What about me? How often shall my brother sin against me? And I forgive him, as many as seven times Jesus said to him, I do not say to you in the singular. The original word is the you, second person singular. I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. Essentially, Jesus is telling Peter, who has been at this point, Jesus has declared him the rock he will build his church on. He has given him that promise that becomes papal primacy. And we I did an episode on the Pope and all that. You can go listen to that. But Peter has been given this authority as head of the apostles. And so more authority has been given to him. And we read in the Gospel of Luke in chapter 12, Jesus says, Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more. That is a really, really important link to verse here. And it was actually in our gospel on Wednesday, October 23rd of this year, because at the time I'm recording this, that was the gospel for yesterday. Anyway, keeping that in the back of our mind, um, he has given the apostles authority. And prior to this, he had given Peter greater authority. And now Peter is coming up to him and being like, Okay, but what about me? Because I'm kind of like your prime minister here. Um, how often do I have to forgive? And he's like, You have to forgive even more, my guy. So then we get to the parable of the unmerciful servant, and this starts at chapter 23 of Matthew, verse 18. Therefore, the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him 10,000 talents, and as he could not pay, his Lord ordered him to be sold. Quick note the ten thousand talents, this talent was worth more than fifteen years wages of a laborer. So like he is and over his head by a long shot. By a long shot. He has a crazy amount of debt. Crazy. So let's keep going. And as he could not pay, his Lord ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, Lord have patience with me, and I will pay you everything. And out of pity for him, the Lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants, who owed him a hundred denari. Um and a denarius was a day's wage for a laborer. So fifteen years is what he owed, but this guy owed a hundred days. He owed him a hundred days. And seizing him by the throat he said, Pay what you owe. So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, have patience with me and I will pay you. He refused, and went and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their Lord all that had taken place. Then his Lord summoned him and said to him, You wicked servant, I forgave you all that debt, because you pleaded with me. And should you not have had mercy on your fellow servant as I had mercy on you? And in his anger his Lord delivered him to the jailers till he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart. Oof, that's heavy. Um some things that are just kind of coming to mind as I read this is um that guy was just forgiven of fifteen thousand, or excuse me, fifteen years. Got my numbers goofed. Fifteen years worth of daily wages, he was forgiven that debt completely. Um and was like he he had the opportunity and was given the freedom to rest, to rest in that. Um but instead he freaked out. He freaked out, and honestly, this is this is like my own personal, like how I would take this to prayer, is the this guy did not trust, did not trust that he would be taken care of by his Lord. So I feel like we can all kind of understand the mindset of this this wicked servant, where he has just been given this huge forgiveness of debt and has a freedom to rest now. But he's kind of got a little PTSD almost, and like a fear that um he better hang on tight to what he has because he doesn't want to get in that situation again, and has this false idea that it's up to him to um make sure he doesn't get in that situation again. But all that to say, um I feel like that's the motivate that's like my own personal prayerful reflections of like that's his motivation behind going to his fellow servant who owes him much less. Much less. Like if he were to still be in that debt, that hundred days wages um would not really be much of a dent, honestly, in a 15-year, like maybe a bit, but it in a 15 years worth of debt, that's not gonna do much for him. But he's freaking out and trying to take control. Anyway, that's my prayerful reflections on this. But back to the whole point of he has just been forgiven a gargantuous lump sum of debt. And someone who owes him much less, which honestly at this point he doesn't need. He really doesn't need that hundred days' wages because he's just been forgiven. He's free. He doesn't need that hundred days' wages, and he goes and like grabs this guy by the throat and is like, pay me what you owe me. And that is that is so often us when someone hurts us. Um and honestly, sometimes we do that to Jesus. Maybe that's crazy to say. I don't think so. Maybe we go up to Jesus and we're like, pay me what you owe me. Let me see this justice inflicted on this person who has hurt me. And Jesus is like, hey dog, you've hurt me so much more than this person has hurt you. And I have forgiven you so, so much more. So, so much more. Why can't you forgive them? So it's definitely something to take to prayer. Um, and I just want to emphasize real quick that how I just like expounded um Matthew chapter 18, especially those three sections. The the way I did that, that's not like defined by the magisterium. Um, that's just some things and insights I've had recently and things I've learned. And honestly, that's all subject to the judgment of the church. But um kind of I I guess I I took one from Teresa of Avala. Uh, she mentions in her meditations on the Song of Songs um that the Lord gives us license um to be imaginative with the Gospels um and go beyond what is written and um just ponder those things. And so I guess that's just the fruits of some of my ponderings um from some of my study in my in one of my classes lately. So take that for what it is. Personal reflection. There's probably a lot of hodgepodge in there. But anyway, take it for what you need, and we will keep going. Also, another really great story um to kind of reflect on this is John chapter 8, verses 1 through 11, the woman caught in adultery. That's another really great um passage on forgiveness to do Lexia with. Now, forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not a change of heart that we ourselves will towards this person. Uh, I just really quickly want to do another like stake of mythbusters. Um, that the idea that we have to change our feelings towards a person in order to forgive them is not true. That is not true. In fact, I'll talk about this more in a bit, but forgiveness in itself is supernatural. This is the paragraph um or the end of the paragraph of the catechism, catechism 2843, that I mentioned at the beginning. It says, it is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense. But the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory and transforming the hurt into intercession. The heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit is the one that turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory and transforming the hurt into intercession. All you have to do is offer your heart to the Holy Spirit and tell him, like, this is something I know I need to do. I don't know how to do it. Jesus, you take care of it. And then he kind of takes the rest from there and God takes your hand and guides you so tenderly and so lovingly along. Um, forgiveness, though, is a choice. Like I said, it's a surrender that we do not hold the right to inflict or see justice carried out for this person. But the fruit of forgiveness that comes from an authentic surrender is a pure grace that the Holy Spirit takes, and He turns our own pain, anger, and frustration with that other person who hurt you. Um, and that pain and that anger and that frustration is is due. You know, you you are allowed to feel hurt, you are allowed to be angry, you are allowed to be frustrated because someone hurt you. Someone hurt you and they disrespected you. Um, and that you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve that. So you are allowed to feel those things, and it is good to feel those things. But the fruit of forgiveness, of choosing to forgive someone that comes from a grace. That comes from a grace, and the grace of that turns that pain, that anger, and that frustration with the other person into compassion for them. Compassion. And it becomes a prayer for their conversion and sanctification, which it's kind of like a two birds with one stone, because whenever you start praying for someone who has hurt you, that is actually also a grace for your own conversion and sanctification. And I'm not gonna lie, it's hard and it hurts, and I never want it to come across that I have perfected this. No, no, no, no, no. Um, whenever I get on like a preachy soapbox, I'm usually preaching to myself and everyone else around me or you tuning in just happens um to get a window into my own spiritual life, I guess. But anyway, this happens like when you offer your heart to the Holy Spirit, you're like, Lord, you don't even have to doll it up, is the thing. Be like, Lord, I'm ticked. This person hurt me. I am frustrated, I am upset. I have been crying for three days straight, or whatever, whatever is happening, however you deal with pain, take it to the Lord and just lay it at his feet and be like, Lord, this is what my situation is right now. I'm a little bit ticked off, I'm hurt, I'm upset, um, I'm sad. This this this is not good. This is not fun. Help. When you do that, you will slowly begin to find um that the Lord is transforming your heart and he is turning that anger. Into pity, and he is turning that pain in that wound into compassion, which becomes intercession for that person. And when you find yourself praying for that person, um, and it's not always like the most peaceful prayer, sometimes it really hurts, but when you find yourself praying for that person, you will, you will have a peace. Um, but again, that peace is not required for you to choose to forgive them. You don't have to doll up your feelings and be like, Lord, I am at peace with the fact this person hurt me, so now I will give it to you. No, he wants to get in there and he wants to get in the he wants to get in the gunk with you. So when this happens, um, when when you offer your heart to the Holy Spirit as it is, as messy as it is, as ugly as it is, and you're like, Lord, you are all good, you are our all pure, you are all divine, um, and I don't I don't want you to get dirty from my mess. He's not, he's already suffered everything. But um, when you give that to him, as it is, you begin to recognize that hurt people hurt people. That saying is kind of cliche, but honestly, it is it is so true. And oftentimes we actually hurt one another in the same ways that we have been hurt, and we just perpetuate this cycle of brokenness. So when we open up to the Holy Spirit, we can stop that cycle of brokenness and allow God to take the reins of justice in these situations so that we are transformed and we can begin to heal, and we can stop the cycle of hurting other people in the same way that we have been hurt or broken. And that is a lifelong journey. That is that is such a lifelong journey. Um the other thing I wanted to say too is that uh there's this saying that feelings are good indicators, not good dictators. So um, if you're angry and upset, anger and frustration are often cues that we actually need to forgive. They're not reasons to withhold forgiveness. Um so finding our feelings changed towards a person is a beautiful indicator that we have done well in forgiving them, that that the grace of the Holy Spirit, it is it is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, um, and it is evidence that the Holy Spirit is working in us and that we have surrendered well. The other thing, forgiveness is not, is it is not a one-time thing. Oh, it is not a one-time thing. Oftentimes, especially when people really hurt us deeply, we have to continually surrender our desire to bring about justice so many times. Um and also with this, forgiveness doesn't mean that we can't set healthy needed boundaries to avoid being hurt again. Jesus is reasonable, okay? Uh yeah. If you need to set boundaries, then set boundaries. Set boundaries while you heal. Um, and you know, that is you you do what you need to do. You do what you need to do, and that requires being in tune with yourself. And then to be in tune yourself, you you have to be in tune with Jesus and have like a prayer life. Um Yeah, Christ fully reveals man to himself. That is such a famous quote. I don't know who said it. If it was like Fulton Sheen or Benedict or JP2, someone, some big, big name, awesome guy who fully deserves that big name said Christ fully reveals man to himself. And I once I listen to this back, I'm gonna remember who it is. But that's okay. As I mentioned earlier, uh, withholding forgiveness from someone really only hurts yourself. It is not giving them permission to move on. They're gonna move on with their life, whether or not you have anything to do with it. They don't need your permission. Unforgiveness, like I said, is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die. And the last thing I kind of wanted to talk about is that forgiveness is supernatural, aka, it's also very difficult. Um, and it can honestly seem contrary to our human nature to do, but because of the word of God, um, we know that what Christ teaches us is true and for our ultimate benefit, our ultimate good, um, our greatest good. And so there is um this mental prayer exercise where you it's like an ignation form of prayer where you pray with your imagination. Uh Teresa out of Avila also does it, um, and I think it's kind of explained in her work, The In The Interior Castle, and all of this, but I think it's more so ignation in this way of you in your imagination, in your prayer, you walk up to the foot of the cross with the people who have hurt you. And number one, you you pray for Christ to encounter them and change their hearts, and two, to be the ultimate judge judge as he has the authority to be. And then you walk away and you leave them there. You leave them there for him to deal with. And oftentimes I find myself praying, like, Lord, give me the grace to leave them here. Give me the grace to leave them here, even if I have to walk up to this crucifix every day with them and leave them here. Help me to leave them here. Um But yeah. Leave leave those people who hurt you at the foot of the cross. You can't you can't make them be sorry. Um, withholding any forgiveness from them is not gonna do it's not gonna change anything for them. They're gonna get on with their lives. Um, it's really not gonna weigh on them nearly as much as it's weighing on you. And like I said, and like the catechism says, you can't forget. It is not in your power to forget. Now, some people do forget, and that is a grace of God. And like, by all means, pray for that if like you really need to. Um, you know, I don't want to di uh I don't want to deny Jesus of his opportunity to heal. Um, but healing can still happen even if the wound remains. There just might be a scar. But the thing is it's still healed, and uh just as hurt people, hurt people, healed people, heal people. So I have left um some resources to help you in your healing journey and um help you forgive those that you need to forgive so that you can be set free. So that you can be set free. And one of those resources is the surrender novena. And I put two different surrender novenas there. The first one is from uh it's like the classical, the one that most people know. And that's the one where you read and pray this reflection every day for nine days. Um, but all and the reflection is different each day. But this thing that is the same every day is you repeat this prayer ten times. Oh Jesus, I surrender myself to you. Take care of everything. And you pray that 10 times every day as you reflect on um this meditation and um some words of Christ. The second link is also another novena for surrender. It's different than that one, but it is also still beneficial and beautiful. And I really like that website that that one comes from because you can sign up to have the prayers emailed to you for each day, especially if you're someone that checks your email every day. I really like that one. Um, the third one is from the same website, but it's the forgiveness novena. And then the last thing I have linked is a presentation, like the PDF slideshow of a presentation I've done on redemptive suffering and how to offer it up. Um and it kind of includes a bit of like a walkthrough of that mental prayer exercise about leaving the people who hurt you at the foot of the cross or leaving your pain at the foot of the cross. So today was a bit of a different episode. I really um I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it bears fruit for you in your prayer life, and then that your prayer life bears fruit. But that's gonna be it for me. Um until next month. I hope you have a blessed day.